


why can't i be a meg ryan movie?

by usernicole



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Fluff, M/M, vague descriptions of a horror movie that doesn't exist?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-20
Updated: 2014-10-20
Packaged: 2018-02-21 21:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2483234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usernicole/pseuds/usernicole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As if it weren’t bad enough that Nick had been left with no choice but to go to the movies by himself, once he’s settled in his seat there’s a swift kick to the back of his chair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	why can't i be a meg ryan movie?

**Author's Note:**

> so this is a thing i wrote to procrastinate and also try and unblock myself. it's just some mindless, unbetaed/unbritpicked fluff! consider this my halloween present
> 
> partly inspired by my friends, who are all huge scarebabies and won't see annabelle with me even though i really want to go >:(
> 
> title is from one of my favorite movies of all time, Scream. the full line is "Why can't I be a Meg Ryan movie? Or at least a good porno."

 

As if it weren’t bad enough that Nick had been left with no choice but to go to the movies by himself, once he’s settled in his seat there’s a swift kick to the back of his chair.

Nick’s not a moviegoer, it’s common knowledge. All of his friends know it, his family knows it, regular listeners of the Radio 1 Breakfast Show know it. He has zero patience for movies, absolutely none. Most days, it’s hard for him to sit through a single episode of a television show without breaks to do something else, like chat to whatever friend has parked themselves on his couch or scroll through instagram. Movie theaters, naturally, are his arch enemy. He doesn’t trust a place that doesn’t let him use his phone openly.

And honestly, Nick wouldn’t have come if he had the choice, but he’s scheduled to interview the lead actress of this campy American horror film. Nick had put it off as long as he could, but now, the day before the interview, Finchy had sat him down and threatened life and limb should Nick not go to see this god damn film.

So here he is, sat alone in a massive, empty movie theater, with someone kicking the shit out of his seat.

“Excuse me?” he snaps, turning around in time for whoever it is to deliver a harsh kick, hard enough to jar the extra large tub of popcorn Nick had bought as a consolation to himself. “Do you _mind_?”

Nick had half expected whoever it was behind him to be a child, probably wandered off from their parents. Instead, he’s faced with a young man grinning mischieviously at him. Nick sits back and looks around to see that, yes, the rest of the theater is still extremely empty. They’re the only two there. He looks back at the boy with raised eyebrows.

“Would you please stop?” Nick asks. The boy grins just grins back, so Nick just takes that as a yes and turns back around.

About a minute later there’s another kick.

“Are you serious?” Nick says, at the same time as the boy says “You’re too tall, I can’t see the screen.”

Nick looks at him disbelievingly. They are still the only ones in the theater.

“You could sit literally anywhere else,” he says, gesturing to the theater around them. “No one forced you to sit behind me.”

“Well, no one forced you to be stupidly tall now, did they? With that high hair as well, it’s downright inconsiderate,” the boy says, crossing his arms. He looks to be in his early twenties, clad in a jean jacket, t-shirt, and black skinny jeans. Under any other circumstances, Nick would probably find him fit. He has nice, clear blue eyes and tanned skin. Unfortunately, he’s also the type of person to repeatedly kick the seat of the person in front of him at the movies.

“You can’t be serious,” Nick says indignantly. The boy just shrugs, and Nick huffs. “Look, just stop kicking my seat, okay?” Nick turns around. He should probably move, but he was there first, dammit. He’s not going to let some annoying little shit force him to do anything.

After a minute there’s another kick, softer though. More of a nudge.

“ _What_ do you _want?_ ” Nick snaps, whipping his head around.

“So what’s your story?” the boy asks. Nick blanches.

“I’m sorry, what?” Nick says, not really believing he’s in this situation.

“Well, going to see a film alone and all, it’s weird innit?” Nick gapes at him, but the boy just looks mildly curious. “Did you get stood up?”

“Fuck off,” Nick says. “I didn’t _get stood up_. I’m here for work. Anyway, it’s not like you’re any better. Did _you_ get stood up?”

“Naw,” the boy says. “Just didn’t feel like going to classes today. Thought I’d see a film. Do I know you from somewhere?”

Nick decides then and there that he is never going to see a movie in theaters again, and if he does he’s definitely not arriving early. “I’m on the radio,” he says, proudly. “And I’ve got a show on BBC3. It’s probably one of those.”

“Right. Pull the other one, mate,” the boy says and then, to Nick’s horror, he gets up and clambers over the seat to plop down besides Nick. “You know what it is? David. From back in Donny - ‘s where I’m from, of course.” He helps himself to a handful of Nick’s pity popcorn. “There’s this guy David. Works at Tescos. Good guy, though once when I worked there - _that_ didn’t last long - I caught him having one off in the staff break room. You’re a dead ringer for him.” He lifts his feet up to drape over the top of the seat in front of him, jeans rolled up and ankles on display. “You have a television show, _yeah right._ ”

“Charming,” Nick drawls. “He sounds like an upstanding individual. Did you need something? Or…”

“Naw, mate but listen,” the boy says looking over at Nick and grinning. “It sucks, right? Seeing a movie all on your own. And _there’s nobody here_ ,” he says the last phrase extra loud, to make a point. “So I figured like, we could keep each other company, like?” He twines his fingers together and rests them on his belly, smiling up at Nick. “I’m Louis, by the way.”

“Uhh,” Nick says, “Right. I’m Nick?”

“Great to meet you,” Louis says. “You seem like a standup bloke.”

“Thanks,” Nick says, uneasily. It’s then that the lights dim for the opening trailers to begin, and yup, looks like they’re going to be the only two in the theater after all. Nick wonders for a second if he didn’t just enter a parallel universe when he trudged grumpily into his local cinema. A bizarre universe where people just invaded other people’s personal space and openly talked to strangers.

The first trailer starts, and it’s some typical scifi action film. Not really Nick’s thing, but Louis sits up, elbowing Nick in the arm rapidly. Nick winces and glares down at him. “Oh man, my mate Zayn was telling me about this one. It looks sick, bunch of ninjas and shit.” Then he looks over in the darkness and waggles his eyebrows. “Lead actress isn’t too hard on the eyes either, eh?”

Nick rolls his eyes. “Wouldn’t know,” he says, stuffing a handful of popcorn into his mouth. Louis gives him a look he can’t read, before shrugging and turning back to face the screen. “Leading bloke isn’t too bad either.”

Nick gives him a disbelieving look, then shrugs himself and tries to focus on what’s happening on screen. The next trailer is for a different horror movie, something about a serial killer tearing apart a bunch of teenagers. There’s a moment in the trailer where the killer pops up, masked face taking up the entire screen, and both Nick and Louis jump. Louis actually grabs at Nick’s elbow where it rests on the armrest between them.

“Sorry, mate,” he says, letting go once the trailer has ended. “I hate these movies.”

“Are you aware of what movie we’re seeing right now?” Nick says. “It’s about like, a haunted doll. Supposed to be like, proper scary.”

Louis bites his lip and nods. “The only other option was some kid’s movie,” he says, crossing his arms. “Anyway, it’s probably not gonna be _that_ bad.” He looks indignant, so Nick decides to drop it.

“Whatever you say,” Nick says. They sit through a couple other trailers, and they only really interact when Louis leans over at the end of them to say whether or not he’d see the movie based on the trailer. Nick just nods and hmms at the appropriate times, wrinkling his nose at Louis when Louis says he’d see a movie that just looks _awful_. Louis laughs at that, nudging Nick with his shoulder and helping himself to more of Nick’s popcorn.

When the movie eventually does begin, Nick finds that, yeah, he thinks he hates these movies as well. He finds himself inching back in his chair, on edge. About five minutes in, Nick peeks to the side to see Louis’ pulled his legs up on the chair, arms around his knees and eyes glued to the screen. He’s silently grateful for the company, annoying or not. He doesn’t think he could handle watching the film alone in the giant empty theater.

It’s then that something in the film makes a loud, awful noise, and both of them jump, laughing weakly at each other.

“It’s stupid,” Louis says, while the actress Nick’s supposed to interview spouts random bits of exposition. “Why would they keep the fucking doll?”

“I know, and it’s so ugly,” Nick says, wrinkling his nose as the actress examines the doll. “Even if it wasn’t haunted, who wants that in their house?”

Louis giggles, settling further in his seat and kicking his feet up. “Americans are dead weird.”

They settle to watch some more, Nick kicking his own feet up on the seat in front of him. Louis comments every so often, about what the characters are wearing, or a weird piece of furniture in the background, and Nick has to stifle his laughter. After a while, the film gets boring, focusing too much on the characters’ interpersonal relationships rather than on the haunted doll in their child’s bedroom. Nick and Louis take to talking over what the characters are saying, making up their own nonsensical dialogue.

“Please don’t go to the pub tonight, _Chad_ ,” Louis says in a high pitched, awful American accent. “Don’t leave me with the ugly doll.”

“Well, _Tiffany_ ,” Nick says back in a ridiculously deep voice, American accent only slightly better than Louis’. “Maybe next time wear better sweaters.”

“But _Timothy_ ,” Louis cries, and they break into laughter. It’s not even funny, not even a little, but for some reason everything that is coming out of Louis’ mouth makes Nick laugh. It’s embarrassing, but Nick seems to have the same effect on Louis, leaving them both giggling like school children.

By the time they’ve calmed down, night has fallen in the film, and the doll has started terrorizing the family. It’s intense, and Nick feels the urge to cover his eyes return as the actress hunts high and low for the doll, who has mysteriously disappeared. Nick’s about to lean over and make a comment on her awful makeup, but is interrupted by Louis’ hand grasping at Nick’s over the arm rest. Nick eyes it, movie completely forgotten. He looks up to see Louis’ focused intently on the film, biting his lip.

“Uh,” Nick says, but there’s a loud noise from the screen and Louis yelps, scrambling half over the armrest to grab at Nick’s arm. Nick tenses, but Louis’ attention remains on the screen, and Nick’s become stupidly fond of him in the last hour, so he lets it go, relaxing into Louis’ grip. It’s hard focusing back onto the movie with Louis clinging him like a limpet, but he manages it, trying to think of things to ask the actress in their interview.

The movie gets more suspenseful and creepy as it goes, and Nick’s eyes dart all over the screen, looking everywhere for that stupid doll. At some point, Louis wriggles the armrest between them up so they can clutch at each other easier. It’s uncomfortable, but with every loud noise or scream heard in the film they scramble to grip tighter, tangling their arms. Nick knows he’s being a giant baby about this, but it’s not like Louis’ doing any better, so he gives in and buries his face in Louis’ hair when the main actress starts screaming.

By the end of the movie, once things have calmed down and the doll’s been not only burned, but also electrocuted, punched repeatedly, and put through a wood chipper, they slowly come to realize that they are tangled together so tightly that it’s a bit awkward to pry themselves apart. It’s a slow process, but they manage to detach themselves enough that they’re almost two separate people again, though Louis doesn’t let go of Nick’s wrist.

On screen, the lead actress kisses her main love interest, bloody and exhausted, and Nick peeks down at his arm and Louis’ small hand gripped tight around Nick’s bony wrist. He feels his cheeks heat up at that, even though just a few minutes ago Louis’ elbow had been digging uncomfortably into his crotch and Nick’s arms were wound around Louis’ shoulders. He likes the way him and Louis fit, even if he doesn’t really know him. He wants to know Louis outside the tiny bubble of the movie theater.

He’s stopped paying attention to what’s happening on the screen, trying to think of a way to smoothly ask Louis for his number when Louis swears, letting go of Nick’s wrist to gesture at the screen. “That’s bullshit!” he says, and Nick looks up to see the camera pan away from the kissing main characters to the house behind them. The creepy doll is standing in the window, apparently not ripped to pieces. “That’s so stupid!” Louis yells.

There’s a dramatic zoom into the doll’s glass eye and then the credits roll, the room brightening around them. “I can’t believe that, can you believe that?” Louis says, turning to face Nick and wrinkling his nose. “That _can’t_ be the end.”

“Don’t they like making sequels to these things?” Nick says. “Anything to get more money.”

“That’s stupid, don’t you think that’s stupid?” Louis says, and then he stands up, brushing himself off ridiculously. “I’m going to need to do something to forget that entire experience,” he says. “I’m thinking food. Lots of food and a pint or three.” He tugs at the collar of his jacket, turning to Nick. “Well, are you in or not?”

“Me?” Nick says, bewildered.

“No, _that_ guy,” Louis says, rolling his eyes and gesturing to the poor, miserable-looking teenager who’s just entered with a broom and dustpan. “So, are you coming?”

Nick still has to compile a list of questions to ask during his interview tomorrow, and he hasn’t been home to let Pig out yet, so who knows what she’s gotten into since he last saw her. He finds himself nodding anyway, standing up and straightening his clothes. Louis immediately wiggles his arm through Nick’s, marching them out of the movie theater. “Okay, so obviously if the fucking wood chipper doesn’t work they need to try something else, like. They need to sink it to the bottom of the ocean.”

“Can they do that, though?” Nick says, blinking under the bright lights of the theater lobby. “What if it just floats away and someone else finds it? Same thing will happen all over again. I reckon they should, like, launch it into space.”

Louis’ eyes widen dramatically. “That’s _sick_ , mate. They should totally do that.” He digs his elbow into Nick’s side, making Nick stumble a little. “I like you, you can stay.”

Nick rolls his eyes, shuddering in the cold as they step outside. “Thanks,” he drawls. “I guess you’re alright, for someone who kicks the back of people’s seats in the theater like a child.”

Louis throws his head back and laughs, and Nick smiles, looking down. “Got your attention, didn’t I?” Louis says, and then “But anyway, food. I’m fucking starving.” So Nick steers them towards his car, bickering over what sort of food they should get.

***

The next morning, bleary-eyed and tired after gallivanting all over town with Louis, Nick receives several messages in the middle of his interview with the American actress. They’re all from someone listed in his phone as “The Boy Of Your Dreams.”

Nick has no idea who that could possibly be.

“ _wtf Nick you’re on the radio right now ??????”_

“ _wtf my friend Harry is saying it’s radio 1 what the FUCK you could have told me”_

“ _I mean I guess you did. BUT STILL !!”_

“ _OH MY GOD IS THAT TIFFANY FROM THE DOLL MOVIE ???”_

“ _tell her the end of the movie was shit !!”_

“ _call me after work !!!”_

“And what are you smiling at? Interesting texts?” the actress asks cheekily once they’ve started playing a song. Nick keeps forgetting her name, even though she’s been there for ten minutes already and Matt has written it in giant letters at the top of his notes.

Nick laughs and pockets his phone. “It’s nothing,” he says, “a friend of mine just texting. He’s a fan.”

“Oh, well tell him I said hi, and thanks,” she says sweetly before turning back to speak with her manager.

“A friend, eh?” Fiona says, raising an eyebrow. “And which friend is this?” Nick bites his lip, trying to stop his grin.

“I’d answer you, but it looks like the song’s about to end. Sorry, FiFi!” He says, lifting his headphones up over his ears. The rest of the interview goes smoothly, and before Nick knows it he’s headed out of the studio, phone already in hand. Sometime during the day Louis had texted him again.

“ _so any chance you’re interviewing any other movie stars sometime soon ? need to see any more movies ? ;)”_

Nick laughs, running his other hand through his hair and hitting dial. He’s not a moviegoer, but at least it looks as though he won’t be going alone anytime soon.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
>  
> 
> [hmu on tumblr](super-liam.tumblr.com)


End file.
